Typing with the hand that bleeds
The daily fix
There's been negligence with the updates lately and it's not because I can't be fucked but it's more to do with a growing melancholy inside me. Yes, Steve feels a bit down and that's why the people cannot get their daily fix of Steve. The melancholy is also a reason why I haven't finished that "cute" piece that I've been working on lately. I started the piece feeling happy but the more I worked on it, the larger the frustration grew. The frustration was born out of my high expectation for the piece but instead of raising the standard of the piece, it's completely crippled its development. As a result, I've had to postpone development of it until I become happy and motivated again. The "cute" piece was quite the contrast to the other pieces that I've done in the past in that it didn't contain the usual psychotic and bloody imagery that people have come to expect.
The frustration coupled with the ongoing conflict with my mother and the situation at work are the main reasons behind the melancholy. How I wish I could just quit my job and begin my mystical journey instantly but I have to collect funds to be able to begin that journey. Recent decisions like deciding to go to Sydney for the Semi-Permanent conference isn't going to help the collection either.
On the other hand, I did enjoy myself last night. I thought "Sideways" was a great film, at first I didn't really warm to the humor but then it just grew on me and by the end of the film, I couldn't stop laughing. During the film, I noticed that the film's main character "Miles" cut a striking resemblance to Colum, who happened to sit next to me. Colum found my hypothesis to be ludicrous but he could not imagine that if he was fatter and going bald, then he'd look exactly like "Miles". The movie, along with the company of Colum helped to ease the melancholy, although I'm feeling incredibly tired instead. Thank you mister Colum.
Darkness appears
The road seemed to lead to nowhere. Nothing but darkness, somehow I managed to make it home. Earlier this morning, I witnessed one of the most haunting sights that I've ever seen before and yet I found it, for a lack of a better word, "super fuckin' cool". I was on my way home and due to a thunderstorm, the whole suburb suffered a blackout. Which meant, that everything from traffic lights to flashing neon lights were in darkness, in fact, there was only darkness. It was like a scene from a horror movie, where I'd be trapped in the car and I'd have to go look for petrol or something lame like that. Then out of nowhere, the homicidal maniac will magically appear out from the bushes and slaughter my ass. Looking back now, I can see how that could've happened but I was too busy enjoying the experience.
This experience capped off what was a nice night even though once again I lost money to the devil known as "Gamblore". I was playing mahjong with friends, friends who were experienced at this little game. Losing money didn't really matter though, I had fun playing and dinner more than made up for it. My taste buds haven't experienced the exotic taste of lobsters and snake soup for many years now, although I wasn't fully able to enjoy it as much as my tongue is still in pain. When will the pain end?
A decision made
My head is going to explode one of these days. I've been thinking way too much since the New Year rolled in, thinking and asking questions that I possibly can't answer. It feels like my life is approaching the crossroads and sooner or later I have to make a decision. Well I've made a decision, however this decision won't affect me until next year, so knowing me, I could always change my mind.
Not since the year 2000 have I felt this mentally drained and that was the year where I undertook something drastic and ran away from home. The decision I've made will not only involve leaving home but also Australia. I'm just sick of it all, the contradictions, the mundane, everything. Am I really alive? It feels like I'm in a coma just watching a dream.
It just seems like that most of the people in Adelaide acknowledge themselves by pursuing the mundane, believing that what they're doing is profound and yet they are just prisoners in this machine of routine. I don’t have a problem with these people being content with their situation, however I cannot tolerate it much longer.
Another reason for this decision is that I don’t really like how I’ve developed certain traits as a person. Only now have I begun to realize that I’ve developed into a superficial being. However, I own the things I do because in some way or another I've taken a certain liking to it, from their design, function or appearance. I do favor objects from particular brands as I've developed a certain brand loyalty towards them, not because of the status that owning something from that particular brand will give me. It's not surprising that I've developed into a superficial person, considering I was born in Hong Kong, where everything is about the status and appearance.
“It's only after you lose everything that you're free to do anything.” (Palahniuk 1999, Fight Club) To lose everything will help me overcome this superficiality, so the decision I've made will see me begin a new life in a new country. I want to experience what it feels like to struggle, struggle to establish yourself with nothing, no acquaintances, no knowledge or understanding of the area you live in. Taking myself out of the comfort zone, waking myself up from this dream and experiencing what if feels like to really live.
I realize that many of you who are reading this will not understand the reasons for my decision and there are others who doubt whether or not I can survive by myself. However, this is something that I must do and I feel that typing the words out will explain it more clearly than I ever I could with the words coming out of my mouth.
Underneath the self-deconstruction
My tongue still hurts. During dinner last night, my tongue managed to get in the way of my teeth and unfortunately, it came out second best. Never before had I bitten my tongue so hard as to make it bleed, so I found it to be quite amusing while also writhing in pain. Maybe I should take some drugs to ease the pain, drugs are not the answer. Sleep however, always eases the pain. The message I'm trying to get across is drugs are not the answer kids, all that's underneath is not cool. So kids, stay in school and don't take drugs.
What the fuck am I thinking? I'm amazed I managed to ramble on about drugs for so long, I really need to find some hobbies or a woman. Stay tuned for more incessant ramblings.
Role of the designer
As I was roaming around the city with Darius today, I realized something when someone handed me a pamphlet. I figured if these pamphlets were better designed, there wouldn't be so much litter on the streets. This is the role of the designer, not to design shit that no one will ever need but design to aid the world. I've always been pretty competitive and have always been curious as where my designs stand opposed to others but I've finally realized that it's not a competition. If all designers were competent enough to design objects such as pamphlets well enough so that people will actually keep instead of just throwing it away on the street, then the world will be a much better place. All I've got to do now is remember what I've typed and apply it.
20 on black mister
There's a first for everything and today was the first time that I had ever witnessed a professional tennis match up close and personal. It's pretty weird considering I once considered tennis to be a career option but I must admit that I've always found watching tennis on television to be quite a bore. However, I enjoyed my time at the tennis today and everything evened out in the end. Confused? Well, for you see, everything always seems to even out for me. It's not just because of the name "Even Steven" either, as I believe there is this hidden force that just evens everything out for me. I'm the type of person that could win the lottery but get hit by a train soon after. Now as you're still sitting there drooling on the keyboard in amazement at this stupendous force that acts upon me, I shall describe to you the events that happened to me today so that you can make your own mind up whether or not these events are related or simply just an amazing coincidence.
Firstly, I received two free tickets to go to the tennis.
Secondly, I lost a bet of $11 as Joachim Johansson beat Olivier Rochus. The payment of $11 was determined as Joachim Johansson was ranked 11th in the world, while Olivier Rochus was ranked $66. Had Olivier Rochus won, I would've been too far into the positive and consequently the 'getting hit by a train incident' would’ve followed shortly after.
Thirdly, I won the second bet, which saw me go $21 into the positive. The amount of the payment was also determined in the same fashion as the first bet.
Fourthly, the final bet was to be the one that would even everything out, if I had won, I would've been $40 into the positive. That was just not going to happen. However, amidst all of the madness, I thought it would be quite amusing to go and spend my hard earned $20 at the casino. The words twenty on black mister just seemed so right, so off I went and wasted $20 on black. At this stage, we were none the wiser of the result for the final bet. As it turned out, I lost again.
Everything didn't even out in the end you say? Well, as I got home, I got news that young Darius is alive and kicking. That piece of news has just made it all even. However, that piece of news has not only made it even, it's made my day like a cherry makes an ice cream even.
The glass is temporarily half full
The number of people dead in Indonesia has increased to 100,000 as a result of the tidal waves. I'm still optimistic that Darius is okay. However, I fear that it'll be a while until I find out if he is okay as I doubt that he'll return to Australia for this coming semester, after all he has to help his family and friends rebuild what has been taken away. Am I in a state of denial? Maybe, but for once I'm going to be optimistic. I don't know why, maybe it's because I've never dealt with death before and it just doesn't seem possible that a friend might be gone, I really don't know. I guess all I can do now is just make a donation like everyone else.
Questions, questions, questions
Well it's the first day of 2005. Does it feel any different from any other day? No. Why do people celebrate it? I have no fucking idea, what I do know is that it gives a license for people to think they can just go up to strangers and shake their hands. Get the fuck away from me. Well not all of you. For you see I am like many other people, yes I judge people by their appearances and if I don't like the look of you, well I sure as hell ain't going to shake your hand. Why do they feel the need to shake other peoples' hands? I cannot understand what they're thinking here, it only seems to happen in Adelaide though, although I'm not sure as I've only ever experienced New Year's eve in Hong Kong and Adelaide and strangers do not approach you in a retarded fashion just to shake your hand. Maybe it's the alcohol controlling their minds or maybe the alcohol is just exposing them for who they really are, retarded motherfuckers. Don't get me wrong, it's not that the whole of Adelaide that behaves this way but it is a majority. Why is there a need to get drunk on New Year’s Eve? Is it because their lives are so empty and meaningless that they need alcohol to escape from this brutal reality? I'm asking way too many questions here and I've probably offended a whole lot of people and yet I don't really give a shit for once.
On a happier note, I did enjoy Christmas, I spent some time with good friends of mine, received some great presents, gave my taste buds a treat and relaxed by going to see some movies. I especially enjoyed "Motorcycle Diaries", although it didn't really float my boat as it did for many, it did make me want to get on that boat. What I mean is that I thought it was a beautiful movie, which inspires and educates about the life of an interesting person in Ernesto "Che" Guevara. Although I didn't go to movies that often in 2004, I'd rate "Motorcycle Diaries" as my second favourite film of 2004 right next to Garden State which I just loved.
So this is the part where I bite other other people's style and list my favourites for 2004. They are:
Movie: Garden State
Music: TV On The Radio
Colour: Magenta, you can all laugh but yes I like magenta!
Website: http://www.tokyoplastic.com
Female: I think I'm in love with Natalie Portman
Male: Jhonen Vasquez
That's all, I can't think of any more favourites to enlighten you with. That's all for today
- December 2004
- January 2005
- February 2005
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- April 2005
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- August 2005
- November 2005
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